Wow... it's been a while

I have been looking for an outlet to tell our story... and when I had one I found it exhausting. Well, that and having a 2 year old!

When I left off we had given our Kate back, gone on a cruise, and returned home to try again. Not much happened for the next few weeks. We didn't get rid of things, so looking at them was hard. We went back to work, going out, living the mom-free life. Now is when it gets good!

On December 20th we received a call that a baby girl had been born the day before. Same hospital as Kate. It was hard to get excited, the stories were similar. However, this time her birth mom was older and the decision seemed much more well informed. Now we had to learn about dealing with a baby who has been born with some cocaine in her system. After learning more about her apgar scores and talking to a genetic counselor we decided to say yes. But we didn't tell our families yet. It wasn't definite.

So we carried on as normal for a couple of days. We headed home for the holidays. It was Christmas Eve when we got the real call. Papers were signed and she was ours! We were actually at my wife's house and both of our families were together when we walked in to share the news!

They were cautiously excited. Every one's first question was, "What will you name her?" We had not decided. We had a short list of names and had argued the pros and cons of each. When asked the question we said at the same time "Phoebe Grace"! And that was it!

Another happy interruption

At the end of the last post life was at a low point.. but we were surviving. That is where I leave you for the holidays.

Just so you know... life is great today! Our Phoebe turned 2 on Saturday and we spent the weekend celebrating. Thursday we are off to Disney World for the week!

I'll finish the story later. Have a wonderful holiday.

And she left our lives. And we had to learn how to live again.

After the longest car ride of our lives, we arrived back at the adoption agency. The director met us outside and we handed Kate over. That was our last glimpse.



We went home. Our best friend came over with beer and ice cream! We decided that the only way to get our feet back on the ground was to get out of town. I spent the next few hours on the phone with Carnival. My direct quote is "I need to get on a cruise. I don't care where it goes but it must leave from the east coast and it must leave this weekend. And I don't want an inside room." There was one cruise that fit the bill, but it was an inside room.... "I'll take it." This was Thursday night, the cruise left on Saturday. Friday night we got a call that our room had been upgraded to a balcony room for no charge!



We went away. We spent time together. We saw the sights. We practiced breathing.



I figure we had 2 choices.... Choice 1- Curl up into a shell and give up. Choice 2 - Move on. That's really only one choice.

When we got back to real life we called the agency to make sure we were still on the list and ensure them we were still ready to give this a shot.

And the waiting began again!

And home she came... for a while anyway.

And Kate came home! I was on maternity leave. We introduced her to family and made her part of ours. We went to the doctor's appointments. Life was wonderful!

On day 27 the call came. The director of our agency called to tell us that the birth mother was thinking about changing her mind.

I literally fell to the floor. I called my partner and had her come home. We got the name of a lawyer to talk to so we could see what our rights were. The director set up an appointment with the birth mother. Life was crumbling right before our eyes.

The lawyer (who is wonderful and we worked with him for the adoption of Phoebe) told us we could fight. But after lots of money and time we would most likely lose. The adoptive families have no rights.

The director of our agency met with the birth mother and was making some progress in helping her to see that the baby was better off with us. We thought things might eventually go our way.

On Oct. 31, with a glimmer of hope, we went to visit family for the weekend. The next day, as we were visiting my partner's grandparents the phone rang again. We needed to bring Kate back and return her to her birth family.

We got in the car for the longest ride of our lives.

A happy thought

I interrupt the story for a smile break!

Here we are playing in the first snow of the season!

Let's Do it!

OK, we went back and forth for a while. But those of you who have been through this know that you get worried that the call will never come again. We knew that there was a good chance this birth mother would change her mind again. (In NY the birth mother has 30 days to change her mind.) We knew from our HIV research that this little girl had only a 2% chance of developing the virus if her medication was administered correctly for 5 weeks. We decided that we would say yes to the adoption. In the worst case scenario we would be able to give her a healthy start to life. That was going to be enough. We called the social worker back and made arrangements for our Kate to come home!

Next it's a jumble

The timeline for the next events become a jumble...

We flew home from the conference and my mom came to us too. We got the bassinet ready and all of the stuff for our daughter, who was to be named Kathryn Mary.

Over the next couple of days we learned more about the birth mom... she was 22 and had hid the pregnancy from her family. They eventually found out as she ended up in the hospital longer than expected. They were trying to convince her to keep the baby but she did not want to.

Finally the call came to meet the social worker at the hospital. We were so excited.... my partner, my mom and I got in the car, complete with new car seat and headed off to the hospital. We had to wait outside because it was hospital policy not to do adoption "hand-offs" in the facility. So we got there and waited......

and waited.....

In my head I started thinking that this could not be good... but he would have called, right?

An hour later the social worker came outside empty handed. She had decided she might not want to give the baby up.

We were crushed...... two years later this still brings tears to my eyes. It's the first time I have put this step by step into words. We got back in the car and cried the whole way home. My mom flew back home that night and we tried to pick up.

A few days later the phone rang again to tell us that the birth mother had changed her mind and was ready to give up her baby girl for adoption.

What should we do?