At the end of the last post life was at a low point.. but we were surviving. That is where I leave you for the holidays.
Just so you know... life is great today! Our Phoebe turned 2 on Saturday and we spent the weekend celebrating. Thursday we are off to Disney World for the week!
I'll finish the story later. Have a wonderful holiday.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
And she left our lives. And we had to learn how to live again.
After the longest car ride of our lives, we arrived back at the adoption agency. The director met us outside and we handed Kate over. That was our last glimpse.
We went home. Our best friend came over with beer and ice cream! We decided that the only way to get our feet back on the ground was to get out of town. I spent the next few hours on the phone with Carnival. My direct quote is "I need to get on a cruise. I don't care where it goes but it must leave from the east coast and it must leave this weekend. And I don't want an inside room." There was one cruise that fit the bill, but it was an inside room.... "I'll take it." This was Thursday night, the cruise left on Saturday. Friday night we got a call that our room had been upgraded to a balcony room for no charge!
We went away. We spent time together. We saw the sights. We practiced breathing.
I figure we had 2 choices.... Choice 1- Curl up into a shell and give up. Choice 2 - Move on. That's really only one choice.
When we got back to real life we called the agency to make sure we were still on the list and ensure them we were still ready to give this a shot.
And the waiting began again!
We went home. Our best friend came over with beer and ice cream! We decided that the only way to get our feet back on the ground was to get out of town. I spent the next few hours on the phone with Carnival. My direct quote is "I need to get on a cruise. I don't care where it goes but it must leave from the east coast and it must leave this weekend. And I don't want an inside room." There was one cruise that fit the bill, but it was an inside room.... "I'll take it." This was Thursday night, the cruise left on Saturday. Friday night we got a call that our room had been upgraded to a balcony room for no charge!
We went away. We spent time together. We saw the sights. We practiced breathing.
I figure we had 2 choices.... Choice 1- Curl up into a shell and give up. Choice 2 - Move on. That's really only one choice.
When we got back to real life we called the agency to make sure we were still on the list and ensure them we were still ready to give this a shot.
And the waiting began again!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
And home she came... for a while anyway.
And Kate came home! I was on maternity leave. We introduced her to family and made her part of ours. We went to the doctor's appointments. Life was wonderful!
On day 27 the call came. The director of our agency called to tell us that the birth mother was thinking about changing her mind.
I literally fell to the floor. I called my partner and had her come home. We got the name of a lawyer to talk to so we could see what our rights were. The director set up an appointment with the birth mother. Life was crumbling right before our eyes.
The lawyer (who is wonderful and we worked with him for the adoption of Phoebe) told us we could fight. But after lots of money and time we would most likely lose. The adoptive families have no rights.
The director of our agency met with the birth mother and was making some progress in helping her to see that the baby was better off with us. We thought things might eventually go our way.
On Oct. 31, with a glimmer of hope, we went to visit family for the weekend. The next day, as we were visiting my partner's grandparents the phone rang again. We needed to bring Kate back and return her to her birth family.
We got in the car for the longest ride of our lives.
On day 27 the call came. The director of our agency called to tell us that the birth mother was thinking about changing her mind.
I literally fell to the floor. I called my partner and had her come home. We got the name of a lawyer to talk to so we could see what our rights were. The director set up an appointment with the birth mother. Life was crumbling right before our eyes.
The lawyer (who is wonderful and we worked with him for the adoption of Phoebe) told us we could fight. But after lots of money and time we would most likely lose. The adoptive families have no rights.
The director of our agency met with the birth mother and was making some progress in helping her to see that the baby was better off with us. We thought things might eventually go our way.
On Oct. 31, with a glimmer of hope, we went to visit family for the weekend. The next day, as we were visiting my partner's grandparents the phone rang again. We needed to bring Kate back and return her to her birth family.
We got in the car for the longest ride of our lives.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A happy thought
I interrupt the story for a smile break!
Here we are playing in the first snow of the season!
Here we are playing in the first snow of the season!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Let's Do it!
OK, we went back and forth for a while. But those of you who have been through this know that you get worried that the call will never come again. We knew that there was a good chance this birth mother would change her mind again. (In NY the birth mother has 30 days to change her mind.) We knew from our HIV research that this little girl had only a 2% chance of developing the virus if her medication was administered correctly for 5 weeks. We decided that we would say yes to the adoption. In the worst case scenario we would be able to give her a healthy start to life. That was going to be enough. We called the social worker back and made arrangements for our Kate to come home!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Next it's a jumble
The timeline for the next events become a jumble...
We flew home from the conference and my mom came to us too. We got the bassinet ready and all of the stuff for our daughter, who was to be named Kathryn Mary.
Over the next couple of days we learned more about the birth mom... she was 22 and had hid the pregnancy from her family. They eventually found out as she ended up in the hospital longer than expected. They were trying to convince her to keep the baby but she did not want to.
Finally the call came to meet the social worker at the hospital. We were so excited.... my partner, my mom and I got in the car, complete with new car seat and headed off to the hospital. We had to wait outside because it was hospital policy not to do adoption "hand-offs" in the facility. So we got there and waited......
and waited.....
In my head I started thinking that this could not be good... but he would have called, right?
An hour later the social worker came outside empty handed. She had decided she might not want to give the baby up.
We were crushed...... two years later this still brings tears to my eyes. It's the first time I have put this step by step into words. We got back in the car and cried the whole way home. My mom flew back home that night and we tried to pick up.
A few days later the phone rang again to tell us that the birth mother had changed her mind and was ready to give up her baby girl for adoption.
What should we do?
We flew home from the conference and my mom came to us too. We got the bassinet ready and all of the stuff for our daughter, who was to be named Kathryn Mary.
Over the next couple of days we learned more about the birth mom... she was 22 and had hid the pregnancy from her family. They eventually found out as she ended up in the hospital longer than expected. They were trying to convince her to keep the baby but she did not want to.
Finally the call came to meet the social worker at the hospital. We were so excited.... my partner, my mom and I got in the car, complete with new car seat and headed off to the hospital. We had to wait outside because it was hospital policy not to do adoption "hand-offs" in the facility. So we got there and waited......
and waited.....
In my head I started thinking that this could not be good... but he would have called, right?
An hour later the social worker came outside empty handed. She had decided she might not want to give the baby up.
We were crushed...... two years later this still brings tears to my eyes. It's the first time I have put this step by step into words. We got back in the car and cried the whole way home. My mom flew back home that night and we tried to pick up.
A few days later the phone rang again to tell us that the birth mother had changed her mind and was ready to give up her baby girl for adoption.
What should we do?
Friday, November 27, 2009
First Steps
Ahhh the joys of the adoption process. They are long, tedious, and expensive. I will not bore you with the details. I'll just summarize.....
We completed our paperwork in June of 2007 and began the waiting process. Over the summer our friends gave us a shower so we would be ready at a moment's notice. Every ring of the phone made my jump a million miles.
In September my wife and I both went to a work conference. As usual, we stepped off the plane and turned our phones on. The voicemail rang strong on both phones. It was the adoption agency. There was a baby girl!!!
I think we both expected the next step to be an easy one. Turn around, get on a plane and go home to pick her up! Of course life can't work that way.
"There are some health concerns you should be aware of." Uugh.... It turns out that her birthmother, a 22 year old, was HIV positive and in denial. So there was no prenatal care at all. The baby had been started on her meds and was healthy other than that.
We got in a cab on the way to the hotel. My mom, a nurse, was calling people at local hospitals to find out the risks involved, the chances of the baby developing HIV, etc. The next couple of hours were really long ones. You always think that health won't play an issue, that you just want a baby. But, in reality, health matters. I guess we were selfish there for a while.
After learning that with treatment the baby had only a 2% chance of developing HIV, and knowing that this was a little girl for whom we could really make a difference we said yes! We got on a plane the next morning to go home and prepare for our little girl.
If only it was that easy.....
We completed our paperwork in June of 2007 and began the waiting process. Over the summer our friends gave us a shower so we would be ready at a moment's notice. Every ring of the phone made my jump a million miles.
In September my wife and I both went to a work conference. As usual, we stepped off the plane and turned our phones on. The voicemail rang strong on both phones. It was the adoption agency. There was a baby girl!!!
I think we both expected the next step to be an easy one. Turn around, get on a plane and go home to pick her up! Of course life can't work that way.
"There are some health concerns you should be aware of." Uugh.... It turns out that her birthmother, a 22 year old, was HIV positive and in denial. So there was no prenatal care at all. The baby had been started on her meds and was healthy other than that.
We got in a cab on the way to the hotel. My mom, a nurse, was calling people at local hospitals to find out the risks involved, the chances of the baby developing HIV, etc. The next couple of hours were really long ones. You always think that health won't play an issue, that you just want a baby. But, in reality, health matters. I guess we were selfish there for a while.
After learning that with treatment the baby had only a 2% chance of developing HIV, and knowing that this was a little girl for whom we could really make a difference we said yes! We got on a plane the next morning to go home and prepare for our little girl.
If only it was that easy.....
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Starting at the end
The end of our story is the best part; so I am going to start there!
My wife and I have a gorgeous 2 year old! Phoebe is the most amazing kid ever - I know all moms say that. She is stunning, and smart! She's also two so we are in the throws of tantrums and strong willed acting out. I love every minute of it!
The beginning of our story is much harder. Adoption is a roller coaster ride, as is the case with most life experiences.
After years of failed IUI attempts to get pregnant we decided that being a family was more important than being pregnant. So we found a great agency in NYC that we instantly loved. They were small enough that we did not feel like a number. Most importantly, they were the only agency that answered my request for information. Not every company will work with same sex couples.
At that first meeting we asked the question that would come back to haunt us.....
"How often do you have to take babies back because birth mothers change their minds."
"Never in 11 years!" was the answer......
There's a first for everything!
My wife and I have a gorgeous 2 year old! Phoebe is the most amazing kid ever - I know all moms say that. She is stunning, and smart! She's also two so we are in the throws of tantrums and strong willed acting out. I love every minute of it!
The beginning of our story is much harder. Adoption is a roller coaster ride, as is the case with most life experiences.
After years of failed IUI attempts to get pregnant we decided that being a family was more important than being pregnant. So we found a great agency in NYC that we instantly loved. They were small enough that we did not feel like a number. Most importantly, they were the only agency that answered my request for information. Not every company will work with same sex couples.
At that first meeting we asked the question that would come back to haunt us.....
"How often do you have to take babies back because birth mothers change their minds."
"Never in 11 years!" was the answer......
There's a first for everything!
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